The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
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Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.