ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Our lord and savoury.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.