Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Mornin
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Cartman: Respect my
a a
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.