it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
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If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
“A little help here, Danny?”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*seductively eats two tums*
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side