He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
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Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Most fashion shows these days…
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad