News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!