I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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The Onion called it…again.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Ok, but like, how married are you?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie