Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I think my mom just blocked me
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The glockness monster
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Good dog. ❤️
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.