I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Fights fire with marshmallows
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.