Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I have never related to anyone more.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid