Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
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Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit