We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
You Might Also Like
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’