Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
こいつ天才