[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Labreador
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?