Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
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Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
The Assassin.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot