Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be