Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.