Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If only
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”