DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?