The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG