Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
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replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
incredible