My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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….
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“Oh god wait.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
What even happened today?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor