I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
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Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Best mom ever 😂
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.