passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
accurate
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”