What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
You Might Also Like
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
that lip filler tho
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.