I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Do you like vampires?
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