“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
fr
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator