Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
what
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
You are what you delete.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie