Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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Challenge accepted.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
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Expectations vs. Reality
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
How your email finds me
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means