Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
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I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My neck my back my allergy attack
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox