everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Meeeee too!
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I have a new favorite meme page
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos