My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
What’s a Messi?
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”