I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
You Might Also Like
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
my first dose meeting my second
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves