Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
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The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.