H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
How to woo a woman
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.