Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
he looks great for his age
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Everyone鈥檚 a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn鈥檛 even get a babysitter.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
This is funnier than it should be. 馃槀
Can鈥檛 afford the chiropractor so I鈥檓 just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Found some beef jerky under my kid鈥檚 pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl鈥檚 pictures??
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)