Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.