if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.