they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
You Might Also Like
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.