I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
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[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
October already? What’s next? November????