Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
ready to be harvested
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too