Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*