Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers