Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
You Might Also Like
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?