Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.