Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…