when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My god she’s good.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Noah was an idiot.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link