“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’