Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Called it
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
thank god the sign was there
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam