I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
You Might Also Like
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
What is going on? 😅
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.